fbi inquest into fast food corporations

my latest “Top 5” facebook quiz got me thinking about my old stomping grounds back in north carolina. i chose miami subs as my #1 fast food joint. the pink flamingo provided a rare interaction for me – a reciprocal relationship. i gave them money, they gave me weight…

but miami subs was also the scene of one of my most memorable moments in north cack.(cue sankofa)

woooo. i can’t type for laughing, but here it goes…

as a recent college graduate, unemployed but filled with optimism in the summer of 2002, i moved to a special apartment complex in raleigh called pine forest (name changed). the pine forest complex was past its prime, but for $411/month i had access to a fitness center, pool, gazebo and… lake! i had a dishwasher, balcony, view of my car… that’s a benefit they don’t even advertise down south.

so one day i make my way down to the pool area. i didn’t really have a reason to go down there except that even though i went to school in the area, i felt like i didn’t know anybody and i wanted to meet new people. and meet new people i did.

i can’t remember his name anymore. we’ll call him darnell for now… and let me preface the rest of this story with: the 2009 or 10 krisi doesn’t know what the 2002 krisi was thinking.

he wasn’t much taller than me and was rather scrawny. but he was friendly. i saw him again later on that day in my parking lot. at some point i mentioned that i liked going to the cypher. at the time i think it was held once a month on fridays somewhere on east hargett street. i feel like everything i went to in downtown raleigh is on east hargett street.

when i spoke to him on the phone (yes, i deliberately skipped over my unwise decision to give him my number because it is inexplicable) he asked what i was doing that weekend. i wasn’t sure, but i did plan to go to… the cypher. he was like – ok cool, i can come out there…

at this point i wasn’t quite sure that i had actually invited him to go. i was just telling you what i was doing. not that i wanted to do said thing with you…

he said he worked for the FBI. in the lab. and he would have to go home first to change because of the smell from all those chemicals he was around all day. <insert photo of krisi with head cocked to the side and squinting eyes> ok. well the brotha has a job. he also told me that he was a que… but i don’t remember seeing a brand <insert photo of krisi with head cocked to the side, squinting eyes and lips clenched as if to say hmmmmm>

in the back of my mind i’m thinking now i might not want to go to the cypher myself. something is not right… so i probed a bit more and asked him why he wasn’t in charlotte that weekend for the conclave and he said something about not going to that one because he was going to or had gone to another one… ok, you might be thinking -krisi how are you so familiar with the omega psi phi calendar? calm down. a friend of mine, a charlottean who’s father is a que and is herself greek advised me of this convergence of men on the queen city. (not that i would make a 2 hour trip to be around a large group of enterprising, educated brothas…she just mentioned it as an fyi… i swear! :)).

now, i’m no fbi, cia or cis for that matter, but 3 things stood out to me so far.
1) he’s a scrawny que
2) he’s a scrawny que that didn’t seem to know anything about what i figured was an important event for his frat
3) he worked in a lab for the fbi (yeah right)

a week or so passes and i know i wasn’t working at the time because i remember getting this call and not wanting to answer because my sprint anytime minutes were limited. i also had virtually no service in my apartment. but who knows? maybe this was the offer i’d been waiting for…a woman was on the other line. i can’t remember how she introduced herself – she probably didn’t. she asked me if i knew darnell… but i really couldn’t remember his name and it sounded like she said something different. then she said does he drive a silver land cruiser? maybe she didn’t say silver, but whatever color she said, yeah, that was what mr. no brand que was driving.

i was so confused and i could barely hear her. so i asked – who is this? and she said….

“i’m the mother of his unborn child!”

i kid you not. it was like dynasty and y&r and generations all in one. i was like – whoa… well, you have nothing to worry about with me. i’ve only talked to him once. i don’t know why, but i continued to talk to her. i think she told me he wasn’t really a que. when she started asking where i met him i had to cut the convo short cause i didn’t want her to know where i lived.

i don’t think he called again, but i remember seeing him around the complex and when he approached me i said something like – ummmm, baby on the way? he knew he had been caught but he claimed she was crazy and blah, blah, blah. i just walked away and ignored him every time i saw him. i mean, ignored like my ipod is on and i can’t hear you, don’t know you exist ignore, but this was before most people even had ipods.

a few months later i decided to get something to eat from miami subs. i usually went through the drive through, but for some reason i went into the store this time. as i approached to place my order, who did i see with a pink shirt and green visor behind the counter? aw hell, dar to tha… nell! i thought the fbi was a pretty stable job, but apparently they aren’t paying their workers enough cause they have to get second jobs at miami subs!

he told me that the girl’s friend worked at whatever cell phone company he had. i think it was sprint. and she was able to get all the numbers that were in his phone… riiiight. and the miami subs gig was just part-time… riiiight.

even though i knew he was a loser and a liar, i was so shocked to see him working at miami subs! not that raleigh is a big city, but it just seemed so random. and it was the perfect ending to a horrible holler that never should have been accepted.

the end.

~written with the assistance of rheingau 2007 riesling spatlese