your ass is in my face

there are rules that people live by in a civilized society. and although some might say that new york city is a zoo, i find that most of the time, people conduct themselves in a civilized manner. in fact, more often than not, new yorkers are quite orderly. for a metropolitan area of nearly 20 million people it’s rather awesome that things run as smoothly as they do.

well, civil order was challenged today. i will tell you how.

i decided to go to the gym after work. since it was so hot and i figured everybody else would be/had been sweating, i decided not to shower before getting on the train to go home. it sounds funky, but i promise it was a “clean” sweat.

when i got on the train a woman was taking up two seats with her bag. i gestured. she moved. civility.

i was sitting at the end of the bench with my left side near the metal bars (i prefer to lean toward my right side, but i was dealing with it). some guy bumped my arm through the railing. he apologized. i nodded. civility.

as i read my magazine i realized i was uncharacteristically calm. almost zen-like.

i needed (and still need) to go to the store. for a second i contemplated getting off the train and going to whole foods, but it was just too hot and would take too long. i decided to make due with whatever i had at home.

then, at the next stop, more people got on the train. this is common.  along with the other straphangers an airhead boarded the train flipping her hair about. this is also common. but this particular airhead decided to lean against the railing with one of her ass cheeks in my face! not along the side of the railing. no, no, no… right in front of the railing with her right ass cheek almost touching the corner of my magazine.

UNCIVILIZED!

i tried to ignore it. thinking surely she will realize she’s livin’ foul. not only was it in my face, but it was flabby and emitting heat. as the train chugged along i became more irritated. she just kept flipping her hair and talking to a guy i presume was her boyfriend. all i could do was shake my head. i looked to my right. the guy who had bumped me earlier was now sitting next to me. “seriously?” i said. he just shook his head. as if to say, ew, that’s nasty.

i couldn’t take it anymore. “excuse me!” she turned around “oh, sorry!”. bitch, do you know what you’re sorry for? cause she didn’t move! i said “your ass is in my face!”

she went to the other side of the train with her friend and sat down after that.

i kind of wish i had spoken up sooner, but i was trying to be cool about it. i think i handled it as best i could. i admit, i almost wanted her to stay there until my stop so that i could push past her and knock her on the very ass she chose to put in my face.

sometimes an uncivilized action is necessary in order to teach those who are unware how to be civil.

this is one of my faaaaaavorite songs. i like it so much i don’t even tell people i like it because i don’t want other people to start liking it. it could get a ground swell of attention and next thing you know diddy’s doing some wack remix to it. so, ssshhhhhh take a listen, but don’t let anybody know i told you about this gem.